Chapter 1

     Ashley could see the fire burning and eating at the walls in the hallway coming rapidly toward her room. As she jumped out of bed and looked around, the only way out was through her window. She ran towards the window as fast as her little legs could carry her. She felt the smoke eating at her throat. She squeezed her five- year- old body through.                                                          

          The grass felt wet and cool on her hot sweaty feet like a cool rag on your face on a hot day. When she looked at the driveway she noticed her mom's purple SUV. Once Ashley realized what that meant she ran to the neighbor's house and banged on the door."Hold on I’m coming” Ashley knew that voice and realized it was Matt’s. Then she screamed "Matt hurry up." Matt rushed to the door when he heard Ashley's little voice. Matt opened the door and saw Ashley's tear stricken face. She said something, but he couldn't under stand her.

         "Ashley sweetheart you have to speak up." he smiled then listened to what she said, "Call the police! My house is on fire and my mom is asleep in her room." Matt ran for the phone after Ashley finished talking.

Chapter 2

  Four Years Later.                                                                                                                         

               Ashley Blew out the candles that were placed in the to die for chocolate cake Matt made. Matt was cutting into the cake when the doorbell rang.” Ashley can you get that." Matt asked as he put a piece of chocolate cake on her plate smeared in ice cream and hot fudge. "Sure, be right back.” When she opened the door she saw Mr. Dale the sheriff of the town. He had a worry line on his face and looked like he was deep in thought when he looked down at her. "Is Matt home?”

          Ashley didn't want to say yes, but when she was about to say no, Matt said "Who's at the door Ash?" as he walked up behind her. He noticed the pled in Dale's eyes and said "Ash why don' you go eat your cake while I see what Mr. Dale wants, ok."

           Ashley looked at the two, and then said "ok".

          Once Ashley was out of ear shot Matt said "Dale what’s wrong this time? Dale looked at Matt, "Maybe I should wait till after Ashley's birthday, but I’m hear....""Dale just spit it out" Matt said as he cut Dale off. Dale thought, how do I put it in words? Then, choosing carefully he said, "Matt, Ashley's father is back and he wants full custody of her. You have to find a lawyer and quick, cause he isn’t giving up this time." Matt considered what Dale said then muttered, "Damn, Damn, I don't need this and Ashley certainly doesn’t need this." Dale knew what he meant and thought they really don't need this.

     Chapter 3

         After Ashely was in bed sound asleep, Matt picked up the phone and dialed his sister's number. "Hello" Mary said "Hi Mary, It's Matt." Mary was shocked she thought he forgot  about her ever since Ashley, her adoptive niece moved in his house."Mary you still there" Matt hoped she didn't hang up. He really needed her. "yes Matt, I'm still here." she hoped she could   come visit him. "Mary, I need your help, please" Mary noticed the worry in his voice, "Matt what's wrong." Matt told her about Dale's visit. He needed a lawyer.

         "Oh, Matt I'll come down right away." Mary said. She could feel her old jealousy of Ashley burning through her, but she knew she had to help him out.

Chapter 4

After two weeks of trails, Matt had won full custody of Ashley. Mary was standing outside of the court house waiting for them. She saw a woman walking towards her and noticed it was Madaline, Matt's ex-wife. When Madaline got close enough Mary said "hello Madaline." Madaline look around and saw Mary, Matt's sister and said "Hello Mary" with a surprise look on her lovely face. "long time,no see...huh" Madaline was about to answer when she heard a little girl say "Daddy, when's lunch I'm hungry." Then she heard a man say "we'll eat as soon as we find Mary." Madaline knew that voice and couldn't believe it was him. Matt came outside holding a little girl's hand. Madaline looked him up and down. He was still tall and mucsler. His eyes were so blue and his gergous blond hair was still shinny. Madaline said "Hi, Matt." Matt turend around and saw Mary standing with Madaline. Once he was over his shock he said "Hi, Madaline."

               Madaline looked at the little girl who looked to be about eight or nine years old. Madaline could see the little girl had curly strawberry blond hair, sky blue eyes, and what looked like a bronze tan. Matt noticed that Ashley and Madaline kept staring at each other. He made introductions, "Ash sweetheart, I'd like you to meet Madaline." Madaline stared at Ashley for a minute then finally said "Nice to meet you Ash,but i have to go, bye Mary." Madaline left before the tears spilled.

Comments

Pretty Good :) Written by Mike on 2007-04-24 23:48:29 I like in chapter two when you use the cake, candles and cutting to foreshadow the bad news approaching. The beginning of the story held my attention well.    Try to find different ways of saying things. You used:    "Damn, Damn, I don't need this and Ashley certainly doesn’t need this." Dale knew what he meant and thought they really don't need this."    It seems a bit redundant. Like this:    "Madaline noticed the little girl had curly strawberry blond hair, sky blue eyes, and what looked like a bronze tan. Matt noticed that "    You use the word notice a lot. Find a variant method to convey your imagery and thoughts.    Other than that, I give it a 4 out of 5 (B). Thanks for the read!

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